"My Silent Knight"

a poem written 5.12.2016
You never told me
you saw exactly what was going on.
I fell apart before your eyes
and you tried your best to remain strong.
You never said the reason why
You had said nothing, nothing at all.
It was never due to oblivion.
You did not know
how to handle my fall.

And when you watched me
in my misery,
as you felt my happiness fail,
you strove to act normal for my sake,
you wanted to cure me
but was unable.
Unable to surmise
The fading light from my once bright eyes…
You wished it, tried to will it.
If only you’d been able,
For I had been your steady rock
when your past was gravely unstable.

And when my voice broke down to sobs,
when I told you I knew not what was real,
you took my face with both hands,
Kissed me hard
And said, 
“This—this¬ is what’s real!”

You tried so hard to help me.
You wanted me to get better.
You missed the old me desperately.
Would I ever return like I wrote in that letter?

In it, I told you I had baggage.
But you didn’t care
For I am your “smalls”.
All you wanted was to make me laugh again.
That’s how I fell for you--
--Not a cure, but a cure-all.
Oh, why didn’t you tell me
How much my pain affected you?
I felt your presence besides me
But go through the motions was all I could do.

You should have known, how could you have known?
It was you I trusted the most.
Yes, I’ve known my family longer
But your heart is my heart’s host.

So in all my madness,
I tried to keep my sadness from you.
Tried to laugh away the crazy,
and cried at times I know you never knew--

Back then, sometimes, I let it slip,
And whispered to you,
“Something’s wrong.
I’m hearing all these voices,
And I’m trying my best to be strong.
Those people keep looking at me,
Don’t you see them?
They’re laughing while they glare.
Can you tell them to shut the hell up?
My brain, it cannot bear.
I will explode if you don’t.
These fists I’ve curled will pound.
Please get me the hell out of here.
I cannot take these sounds.”

And once again the crazy
you dared to ignore in me.
You heard nothing.
You saw nothing.
But I kept at it
so you assured me.
No one is talking about you.
No one is yelling.
No one is laughing at you.”
Are these lies that you are telling?
I didn’t believe your words.
I tried but I could not.
Was this some new method of my shrink’s?
Make her think she’s as crazy as she thinks,
And when not one other soul dares to blink,
She will rethink
What it is she thinks they think.
I thought the voices had come back.
I thought the conspiracy was back on.
And all the actors planted in their places
Had been assigned some messed up phrases.
And again to you I said,
“Something is going on.”
And in your head, you said,
“Where the hell has my baby gone?”

You stood there
And you took it.
You smiled
despite the fear inside
that you had forever lost me
to that which caused so many to die.
Why didn’t you tell me?
Why didn’t you say something?
You meant to help me feel normal
so you treated my illness as nothing.
My fear only grew.
I thought, “no, not you, too.”
I had to discern
your looks of concern
to be of distaste and not of love.
You didn’t run,
Why didn’t you?
Though in your mind I’m sure you took flight
Away from the chaos
That took up a 5-month residency in mine.

I was so scared standing there
in a pile of pants that no longer fit me.
My body had shriveled away
I wasn’t eating
for depression overtook me.

I had not notice
the bundle of bones I’d become.
No shorts, no jeans would fit me,
not size three, not size two, not size one.

Remember those months I couldn’t get out of bed?
I slept day and night, and to no end.

Some people wonder
What manic depression is like.
You have two extremes, 
But in this case it seemed,
I experienced both at the same time.
Perhaps because the voices
swarming around in my head,
took over all my senses,
kept me down and drowning in bed.

It was hell, both in the moment, 
and every time I look behind—
Never thought I’d be there again,
never thought I’d fall a third time.
And never thought I’d have you
stand so closely at my side.
You saw me through the storm,
not any man would do that.
I always knew you were faithful,
it also takes courage, that’s a fact.

So why didn’t you tell me
you saw exactly what was going on?
I was so weak I couldn’t even
tell you were being strong.

And now I love you more than ever
for cradling me like you did
with good intentions
and your heart of gold. And a love I know will never grow old.
I never once asked you to save me.
But you did.
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